Salt Seeing

The Morton Salt Girl has never been one of the more flashy product mascots but she's a bit of a workhorse.  She's been holding her umbrella and spilling her salt for over a century.  Sure, she may be frequently overlooked by flashier guys like Mr. Peanut or the Green Giant but I found a palace where she reigns as queen.

The Grand Salt Palace is just that...a building dedicated to, and made of, salt!  Found in Grand Saline, TX, the museum and visitors center celebrates America's favorite spice.  That's because there's a huge salt deposit in the area and Morton mines it for potato chip lovers everywhere.  It's what you call a "Salt Town."  (I don't know if anybody calls it that but I do.)

So proud of their natural resource, the town built its Welcome Center out of it.   You can build buildings out of rock, and salt is a rock so naturally synergy won the day.  Visitors are even encouraged to taste the salty structure...so we did...

Guess what it tastes like?  If you guessed salt, you're right!  I can't make any claims about how hygienic it is but pretty much every visitor seems to give it a lick.  My advice to new visitors is to try and find an unappealing corner somewhere that has had a minimum of licking.  Good luck!

Inside you'll find the type of pamphlets and local history displays that populate many small town museums.  What makes this one stand out is the free rock salt samples (Spoiler: they taste like salt) and, of course, Morton Salt Girl Memorabilia in its various forms.

As usual, there's a surprising amount of stuff with this particular mascot on it but, to paraphrase Dr. Ian Malcolm, Marketing...finds a way... 

Also on site is the standard little old lady to answer all your salt and salt related questions, an educational video about salt playing on a loop and the obligatory penny smashing machine.  I would definitely recommend a stop at this place if it's only a few hours off your pre-planned route.  But I'm into weird stuff like this.

Now I need to find some water.  I'm feeling thirsty.  But before I go, see if you can spot the old gal among her fellow icons in this commercial:

Keeping Kool Part 2

Previously:

Keeping Kool Part 1  - -  Kool and the Gang  - -  Playing it Kool

Awhile back we cracked open the first issue of "The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man" comics and joined Big Red and the gang on a baseball themed adventured that was hot and sweaty until the forces of good (hydration) won the day.  Now it's time to return to the sun drenched pages of the historic first issue to continue the summertime shenanigans.   Things are happening at the amusement park...big things...

No longer content to ruin fun on a small scale, the Thirsties have rolled out their most perilous prize to parch park patrons.  (I don't know why I felt the need to add such unnecessary alliteration.)  I've never seen a Thirstie this big and neither has anyone else.  The amount of trouble it can cause is in direct proportion to its...proportions...and it proceeds to make itself a general pain to just about anyone it can get to.

Well obviously this kind of thing isn't exactly conducive to summertime fun so a hero must rise.  A few panels earlier we were introduced to a group of kids because, whether it's Kool-Aid Man or the Quik Bunny, young bystanders in the way of danger are a definite necessity.  Okay kids, do what you're here to do:

Sure, we all know that Kool-Aid Man likes to smash through walls but usually is seems like he's coming from the outside in.  But in this case he was clearing enjoying himself in the Fun House (50 cents, not a bad price...even in the 80s) when he got the call and wasted no time making his own exit.

He comes in hot and he comes in swinging!  After a minimum amount of turn-of-phrase, the big man makes with the fisticuffs but it doesn't go his way.

Something's clearly going on here since our boy passed right though the giant Thirsties' leg instead of boiling right inside his own pitcher.  Magic?  Madness?  Or perhaps something far more sinister...science?!?  In order to find out, Kool-Aid Man must take to the skies!

In hindsight, I guess it was best that Kool-Aid Man bought that helicopter instead of renting it because he's definitely using it more than we all thought he would. Let that be a lesson to all you product mascots who are hesitating on splurging on that big purchase.  Follow your dreams!

So it turns out what we're dealing with is less of a giant new species of Thirst Monster and more of a trick of the light.  The Thirstie powers-that-be have invested in holographic technology instead of helicopters in the quest to be jerks so it didn't take more than a well placed mirror to make the great beast get placed firmly in the "Where Are They Now?' file.  Problem solved, right?

 Looks like "Big Thirstie" is out for blood.  Cherry flavored blood!  That doesn't bode well for our hero and this story's gang of kids but Kool-Aid Man is too busy being oblivious at the amusement park to know he's being marked for death.

After a a quick intro between Big Red and the kids, the gang stumbles across an absent-minded scientist who is showing off his brand new rocket at the amusement park for no discernible reason.  Since they're all so giddy from dispatching the giant Thirst Beast they were happy to hop in and take the tour.

 I thought it took a lot of restraint on the part of the writer to choose not to do the "lunch/launch" joke here but it came at the expense of Kool-Aid Man's suaveness.  And just like that, this "Monster at the Park" story becomes an outer space adventure, complete with its own Death Star:

Having headquarters shaped as yourself is a classic villain move and the Thirsties lean into it hard.  Piloting the rocket doesn't seem to be an issue thanks to one of the kids who claimed to have watched a lot of scifi movies thus giving her a spaceship-flying skill set.  But hey, you can't argue with results.  

Always ready for a fight, Kool-Aid Man decides to seize the opportunity to slap around the bad guys some more, so he grabs a jet pack (and of course, his pitcher) and zooms out to do what he does.

Oops, he did it again.  You would think that busting through the exterior wall of a spaceship would get everyone sucked out into oblivion but...no.  It doesn't really get addressed here.  This comic already taught you how to get rid of holograms with a mirror, how much more science do you want?

Kool-Aid Man's thirst for vengeance is slaked fairly quickly since the Thirstie's zap-zap-ray-gun that they tried to shoot him with essentially blew up in their faces.  So with that anti-climax, the only things left to do were some light gloating and flying that rocket back home.

  

Wrongs were righted.  Buckles were swashed.  Thirsts were quenched.  It might not have been Kool-Aid Man's first adventure but it was first issue of what eventually ran a half dozen issues or so.  That means something!  To me, at least...oh yeah!

Ranger Things

Previously:

Nolan Ryan: The Comic Book  - -  Nolan's Beef at Dairy Queen

It was the early 90s and the corporate synergy stars aligned when Sports Illustrated, Kellogg's and DC Comics decided to mash themselves together into a chunky paste they called "Tony's Sports Comics."  The concept involved the legendary Frosted Flakes mascot teaming up with sports stars to encourage kids to get active and burn off the calories they racked up from, say...I don't know...various sugar frosted cereals?

I've seen other examples with Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Ozzie Smith but, of course, the one I'm most interested in features the great Nolan Ryan.  He played for both the Astros and the Rangers and is one of the top Texas sports icons of all time.

Our story begins in Cooperstown with Nolan and Tony visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame.  They notice a weirdo talking to the Babe Ruth statue and decide to intervene.  Young Paul wants to make it to the big leagues some day but he's weak in the hitting department.  Nolan tells him about some great former players that also couldn't hit worth a darn but it's hardly a comfort and Paul bolts.

Swing and a miss for the would-be mentor.  But Tony is right there for his bro and he's raring to go track down that kid and bug encourage him some more about baseball.  It's the kind of well meaning enthusiasm that only a sugar-buzzed cartoon tiger could have.  In fact, he's so hyped up he feels the need to go through some of the highlights of Nolan's career.

But enough grandstanding!  It's time to track down that kid whose name I think is Paul.  Let's face it, between the All-Star pitcher and the cereal mascot, he was kind of forgettable. Once they eventually catch up with him they suggest that maybe hitting just isn't his thing...but what about pitching?

Now that these two have totally inserted themselves in this kid's life, it was time to start the hard work.  The comic seems to genuinely try to include actual exercise/training information, or at least I think it does.  But since I don't know anything about training to be a pitcher I couldn't tell you if anything is actually accurate.  But there's something about learning a desirable skill form a freebie promotional comic book that seems very natural to me.  That being said, you'll never guess what training for the big leagues involves starting your day with...

Start the training montage!  If you like stories about weight training, stretching, fastball grips and form on the mound then this is the story for you!  Tony and Nolan (mainly Nolan) go over the fundamentals with Paul and they practice, practice, practice!  Or they just tell him to practice and then go back to their respective ranches.  I know Nolan has a ranch and I assume Tony has one too...filled with delicious sugar frosted antelopes and gazelles (with some sliced bananas to keep it healthy)!

Game time!  Later at a impromptu playground ball game, one of the kids gets called home for dinner (perhaps a cross-over story followed up in a Kraft Cheesasaurus Rex comic?) so Paul gets his big shot at the mound.  And, wouldn't you know it, Nolan & Tony's advice pays off!  Paul struck out the batter and I learned the term "whiffed."  But that's not all...

Looks like Paul made it all the way to State!  And all it took was some personal coaching from one of the best baseball players of all time, encouragement from a professional cereal legend, and (reading between the lines here) bowl after bowl of Frosted Flakes!  Sounds like a winning combination to me!

Keeping Kool Part 1

Previously:

Kool and the Gang  - -  Playing it Kool

It's time to once again join the big red boy scout on one (actually, two) of his four-colored adventures to quench thirsts and kick ass.  I've taken a dive into the sweet red waters of Kool-Aid comics before but this one seems to be the first official issue of "The Adventures pf Kool-Aid Man."  And what adventures they are!  Two for the price of none, as this seems to be another promotional freebie.  So let's find a wall and smash though it already!

The first story in our double header starts appropriately enough at a little league baseball game...or at the concession stand to be more precise.  The Thirsties, a group of firey nogoodniks with an urge to get kids parched, commandeer the snack hut and withhold refreshing refreshment from the overheated young players.  There's only one anthropomorphized pitcher that can take care of the situation.

With the fisticuffs done, it was time for Kool-Aod Man to get to know this issue's ragtag group of kids, each one having one (and only one) defining characteristic.  An adventurous bunch, they all pile in to Kool-Aid Man's helicopter (with very little encouragement) and fly off to the Kool-Aid HQ.  Not the most responsible move by the kiddos (or whatever adult was supposed to be supervising) but in the 80s kids just went places with product mascots...it's just what you did back then...

Check this place out.  I wonder who lived here before Kool-Aid Man?  I bet this was a low effort sale for the real estate agent.  If you've ever wondered what KAM's address was, well here it is: Number One Kool-Aid Plaza.  I'm definitely going to file that away for stalking purposes later.

Before anyone could realize how awkward the situation was (a sentient pitcher of sugar water essentially abducting a group of kids), the gang was alerted to some trouble via KAM's trouble alert thingy and off they went to intercede in a volleyball game that was in the process of being ruined by a vicious pack of Thirsties.

I think it's worth noting that Kool-Aid Man picked a spot behind the only sign/structure on the beach specifically so he can burst through it in his trademark style.  So our current "wall destruction" tally is 2.

After making short work of the Thirsties, and not expressing any kind of interest in repairing the property damage he caused, Big Red piled the kids up in his chopper and took them all home.  Which is a good thing since they needed to rest up for their game the next day.

You may not be surprised to learn that, once again, the Thirsties were on the scene stealing bases, overheating hot dogs and just generally being douchey to people who were trying to have a good time.

After one of their shiny shenanigans blinds an umpire and makes him blow a call at home plate, tempers flare and the situation boils over.  So it was time to call in the big gun...

Wall Destruction Tally: 3 and counting. This one gets two pages and I'd like to think it's available as a poster somewhere.  I'd trade in a Kool-Aid point or two to have this work of art framed and hanging over my mantle.

Rampant property destruction notwithstanding, since this is the climax of the story you may be expecting an Avengers-style full on battle scene between Kool-Aid Man, the baseball kids and the Thirsties (with maybe a cameo or two by Great Bluedini or Purplesaurus Rex) but prepare to be disappointed...

...he throws them into a lake.  Also, if there was some foreshadowing earlier in the story about a lake being near the ballpark I must have missed it.  He also doubles down on the "pitcher" pun he seems so fond of.  This is probably his only baseball comic story so I can't blame him for ringing that bell a few times.

With the Thirsties doused, the kids resume the game and imbibe on glass after glass of refreshing Kool-Aid.  Sounds like a fun afternoon to me.  But the fun's not over.  This was just the first of two wet & wacky roller coaster rides in this issue.  Next up?  "There is nothing so cold....as spaaaaacccccccccccee!"

To be continued!

The Hulk Loves Honey-Comb

Cereal commercials tend to follow certain patterns.  Either kids have the cereal and the mascot tries to take it or the mascot has the cereal and the kids try to take it.  Sometimes these patterns are broken up with certain groups sharing cereal or tricking each other out of cereal.  The main point usually tend to be that the cereal is the greatest commodity in the world and everybody wants it.

One variation on the theme is that cereal has the power to solve various problems.  For instance, it can soothe the savage beast.  So when the Hulk finally decided to publicly endorse a cereal this was the obvious theme they ran with.

It was a beautiful 1970's day at the Honey-Comb Hideout.  But trouble soon started when the Hulk showed up enraged from hunger.  His main snack requirement was regarding size so the Honey-Comb Kids had to explain things to him:

It didn't take long for him to get on board and help himself to a heaping bowl:

So after enjoining his fair share of a complete breakfast he goes back from whence he came without so much as a "thank you."  (Although he didn't kill anybody so I guess that's a plus.)

They are are left to do the dishes and change their crap-filled pants.  You can witness the bizarre encounter for yourself:

It would be a few decades later before the Hulk would get his very own cereal.  The 2003 Hulk movie produced an insane amount of promotional tie-ins, the best of which was Hulk Cereal:

It's safe to say that it was the best part of the movie.

Munch Madness '19

Previously: Munch Madness 2018

It's that time of year again...the time when I spend way too much time and effort thinking about snack cakes (and no real time thinking about basketball).  Voting is live on the LD Twitter and here's how my lineup landed:

Launch Time

One of the biggest draws in Houston, TX is the Johnson Space Center, home of NASA.  To get into the spirit, and appeal to tourists, several local businesses have embraced a space motif.  It's not uncommon to to see rockets and spacemen as a part of the neighborhood's decor.  Even the gang with the Golden Arches get in on the fun with a special ambassador welcoming hungry guests:

The fry-clutching astronaut statue has been on the roof of this McDonald's for at least 15 years (around the first time I saw it) and was created by a local Houston artist.  NASA is just down the road from this Micky D's so I like to think it's been frequented by real live astronauts, mission specialists and just rando goofballs from off the street like me.

The theme continues inside.  Sure, I would have liked to see a spaceship themed playground and/or the employees dressed as bleep-blorp aliens but I had to settle for 2-D decor.  All your favorite McDonaldland characters are decked out in their finest space gear in extensive murals along the walls of the play area.

I think it's also worth noting that the "Mac Tonight" guy also makes an appearance.  I'd like to think they added him specifically because he fits in with the celestial theme but my best guess is that the short lived 80s mascot was included because these murals were painted when he was at the height of his "popularity" (and, yes, I felt the need to put the word "popularity" in quotation marks). 

Further dating the artwork is this tribute to the crew of the Challenger.  It's a somewhat melancholy adornment for a playground yet it feels strangely appropriate.  

Morose reminders of national tragedies notwithstanding, it's still a unique enough place to stop in after a a long day of touring NASA to pick up a Big Mac and Space Fries...although I guess they just call them fries.  Anyhoo, more themed McDonald's please!

Sugar Rush Hour

It was a simpler time, 2004.  The highways were filled with various vehicles shaped like hot dogs, candy, cats, fish and everything else you could pick up at the grocery store.  A seasonal treat wanted to get in on the fun and thus the Peeps Fun Bus gassed up and hit the road.

Inside (and out) the brand reminds hungry snackers that Peeps aren't just about Easter, they have flavors and designs for just about every holiday you can think of.  You can get your sugar rush all year round.

Visitors to the bus got free treats, played games and learned of the existence of Fourth of July Peeps.  There were also lots of dioramas with various shaped Peeps involved in various activities.

At the time, I was fortunate to line up a video shoot of the bus and an interview with the wacky lady who drove the behemouth.  To my knowledge, the Fun Bus has been in retirement for years, so sit back and check out (what is probably) your only opportunity see the sugar coated, mulit-colored splendor that is the Peeps Fun Bus:

Playing it Kool

Previously:

Kool and the Gang

Kool-Aid Man was up always up for adventure.  Whether it was busting through walls or smacking around his arch nemesis "Scorch," there was nothing the handled-one couldn't handle.  In addition to starring in tons of commercials, he also headlined his own freebie comic for several issues.  But before those mini-marvels got us hyped for saving up Kool-Aid points there was a brief precursor series where Big Red took a backseat and let a couple of clowns do the heavy lifting.

So these two guys are the stars or Kool-Aid Komics #1 and they must have not made a great impression because not only can I not find any information about them, I'm pretty sure this is their only appearance.  So let's give the boys their due and take a look at what went down in 1975.

The bulk of pages are filled with your standard low effort, corny gags, jokes and comics.  And, of course, these two are front and center on most of the pages with Kool-Aid Man maybe showing up in the corner or to slap his seal of approval on a puzzle or maze.  Speaking of which...

I don't know if the kids today are still connecting dots, but it used to be a fairly common pastime. After some minimum effort, the connector is rewarded with this picture of a frog (and the answer to the riddle).  Of course, I took the fun out of it by doing it for you.  Soak it in...soak it in...

Instead of going through page after page of knock knock jokes and comic gags, I thought I'd just pick the best one.  You can see it above.  At the time, King Kong was at the forefront of popular culture for no particular reason.  Add in sequined bell bottoms and you've got quite the time capsule.  None of this has anything to do with Kool Aid though...

But Kool-Aid Man does show up to remind us to get hustling and round up that paper.  Paper Kool-Aid points, of course.  Back in the old days you could save up the points that came on Kool-Aid packets and trade them in (along with a certain amount of cash) for stuff.  Sometimes good stuff.

I can't imagine what Kool Aid's Earth and Ecology book has to say about the environment but there's no amount of Kool Aid points I wouldn't trade for it now.  The Kool-Aid Drink Stand is something I know the young me would have wanted but never actually used.  Starting a small business is intimidating.

 And just like that, Kool-Aid Man essentially shoves these guys off-stage and out of the spotlight forever.  We may never know anything more about them (and there may not be any more to actually know) but the next time you kick back with a nice, cool glass of Great Bluedini be sure to pour one out for this plaid pantsed pair.