Ranger Things

Previously:

Nolan Ryan: The Comic Book  - -  Nolan's Beef at Dairy Queen

It was the early 90s and the corporate synergy stars aligned when Sports Illustrated, Kellogg's and DC Comics decided to mash themselves together into a chunky paste they called "Tony's Sports Comics."  The concept involved the legendary Frosted Flakes mascot teaming up with sports stars to encourage kids to get active and burn off the calories they racked up from, say...I don't know...various sugar frosted cereals?

I've seen other examples with Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Ozzie Smith but, of course, the one I'm most interested in features the great Nolan Ryan.  He played for both the Astros and the Rangers and is one of the top Texas sports icons of all time.

Our story begins in Cooperstown with Nolan and Tony visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame.  They notice a weirdo talking to the Babe Ruth statue and decide to intervene.  Young Paul wants to make it to the big leagues some day but he's weak in the hitting department.  Nolan tells him about some great former players that also couldn't hit worth a darn but it's hardly a comfort and Paul bolts.

Swing and a miss for the would-be mentor.  But Tony is right there for his bro and he's raring to go track down that kid and bug encourage him some more about baseball.  It's the kind of well meaning enthusiasm that only a sugar-buzzed cartoon tiger could have.  In fact, he's so hyped up he feels the need to go through some of the highlights of Nolan's career.

But enough grandstanding!  It's time to track down that kid whose name I think is Paul.  Let's face it, between the All-Star pitcher and the cereal mascot, he was kind of forgettable. Once they eventually catch up with him they suggest that maybe hitting just isn't his thing...but what about pitching?

Now that these two have totally inserted themselves in this kid's life, it was time to start the hard work.  The comic seems to genuinely try to include actual exercise/training information, or at least I think it does.  But since I don't know anything about training to be a pitcher I couldn't tell you if anything is actually accurate.  But there's something about learning a desirable skill form a freebie promotional comic book that seems very natural to me.  That being said, you'll never guess what training for the big leagues involves starting your day with...

Start the training montage!  If you like stories about weight training, stretching, fastball grips and form on the mound then this is the story for you!  Tony and Nolan (mainly Nolan) go over the fundamentals with Paul and they practice, practice, practice!  Or they just tell him to practice and then go back to their respective ranches.  I know Nolan has a ranch and I assume Tony has one too...filled with delicious sugar frosted antelopes and gazelles (with some sliced bananas to keep it healthy)!

Game time!  Later at a impromptu playground ball game, one of the kids gets called home for dinner (perhaps a cross-over story followed up in a Kraft Cheesasaurus Rex comic?) so Paul gets his big shot at the mound.  And, wouldn't you know it, Nolan & Tony's advice pays off!  Paul struck out the batter and I learned the term "whiffed."  But that's not all...

Looks like Paul made it all the way to State!  And all it took was some personal coaching from one of the best baseball players of all time, encouragement from a professional cereal legend, and (reading between the lines here) bowl after bowl of Frosted Flakes!  Sounds like a winning combination to me!

Keeping Kool Part 1

Previously:

Kool and the Gang  - -  Playing it Kool

It's time to once again join the big red boy scout on one (actually, two) of his four-colored adventures to quench thirsts and kick ass.  I've taken a dive into the sweet red waters of Kool-Aid comics before but this one seems to be the first official issue of "The Adventures pf Kool-Aid Man."  And what adventures they are!  Two for the price of none, as this seems to be another promotional freebie.  So let's find a wall and smash though it already!

The first story in our double header starts appropriately enough at a little league baseball game...or at the concession stand to be more precise.  The Thirsties, a group of firey nogoodniks with an urge to get kids parched, commandeer the snack hut and withhold refreshing refreshment from the overheated young players.  There's only one anthropomorphized pitcher that can take care of the situation.

With the fisticuffs done, it was time for Kool-Aod Man to get to know this issue's ragtag group of kids, each one having one (and only one) defining characteristic.  An adventurous bunch, they all pile in to Kool-Aid Man's helicopter (with very little encouragement) and fly off to the Kool-Aid HQ.  Not the most responsible move by the kiddos (or whatever adult was supposed to be supervising) but in the 80s kids just went places with product mascots...it's just what you did back then...

Check this place out.  I wonder who lived here before Kool-Aid Man?  I bet this was a low effort sale for the real estate agent.  If you've ever wondered what KAM's address was, well here it is: Number One Kool-Aid Plaza.  I'm definitely going to file that away for stalking purposes later.

Before anyone could realize how awkward the situation was (a sentient pitcher of sugar water essentially abducting a group of kids), the gang was alerted to some trouble via KAM's trouble alert thingy and off they went to intercede in a volleyball game that was in the process of being ruined by a vicious pack of Thirsties.

I think it's worth noting that Kool-Aid Man picked a spot behind the only sign/structure on the beach specifically so he can burst through it in his trademark style.  So our current "wall destruction" tally is 2.

After making short work of the Thirsties, and not expressing any kind of interest in repairing the property damage he caused, Big Red piled the kids up in his chopper and took them all home.  Which is a good thing since they needed to rest up for their game the next day.

You may not be surprised to learn that, once again, the Thirsties were on the scene stealing bases, overheating hot dogs and just generally being douchey to people who were trying to have a good time.

After one of their shiny shenanigans blinds an umpire and makes him blow a call at home plate, tempers flare and the situation boils over.  So it was time to call in the big gun...

Wall Destruction Tally: 3 and counting. This one gets two pages and I'd like to think it's available as a poster somewhere.  I'd trade in a Kool-Aid point or two to have this work of art framed and hanging over my mantle.

Rampant property destruction notwithstanding, since this is the climax of the story you may be expecting an Avengers-style full on battle scene between Kool-Aid Man, the baseball kids and the Thirsties (with maybe a cameo or two by Great Bluedini or Purplesaurus Rex) but prepare to be disappointed...

...he throws them into a lake.  Also, if there was some foreshadowing earlier in the story about a lake being near the ballpark I must have missed it.  He also doubles down on the "pitcher" pun he seems so fond of.  This is probably his only baseball comic story so I can't blame him for ringing that bell a few times.

With the Thirsties doused, the kids resume the game and imbibe on glass after glass of refreshing Kool-Aid.  Sounds like a fun afternoon to me.  But the fun's not over.  This was just the first of two wet & wacky roller coaster rides in this issue.  Next up?  "There is nothing so cold....as spaaaaacccccccccccee!"

To be continued!